Prior to her conviction for drunk driving and being sent to the Ziggurat Penitentiary, Lindsay Kristina Britt, aka “Toxic Primadonna”, tried to arrange for a plea deal where she would make some public service messages in exchange for a lesser sentence. The following is a transcript of her attempts at warning people about the dangers of drunk driving.
Toxic Primadonna: Hi. I’m Lindsay Britt. You may know me from my many albums and hit songs, not to mention my movies, my fashion dolls, my newsletter, my fan club, my magazine, my line of cosmetics, my body spray, my drive-thru restaurants…
Toxic: WHAT? I’m trying to tell the viewers who I am!
Director: They know who you are, Lindsay.
Toxic: Really? Well if people know who the [bleep] I am, then why the [bleep] am I doing this [bleeping] PSA?
Toxic’s Attorney: You’re doing this because you’re facing five years in the Zig if you don’t, Lindsay. Come on, work with them!
Toxic: [sighs] Oh all right!
Director: And… we’re rolling.
Toxic: Hi. I’m Lindsay Britt… pop superstar, actress, restaurant owner, teen icon…
Director: CUT! Lindsay, baby, just say your name and then say the message, okay? Can you do that?
Toxic: Look [sniff], this is getting really hard on me, okay? I need my Poochie! Where’s my Poochie?
Director: We can’t have your dog in the PSA, Lindsay. This is supposed to be about you warning people about drunk driving.
Toxic: But I really NEED Poochie! I can’t function without my baby! It’s bad enough that you didn’t have any of my comfort foods ready for me like they normally have, and I haven’t had a smoke since this morning. If I can’t smoke, then at least I need Poochie!
Director: Okay, ten minute break.
(Ten minutes later)
Director: Uh, Lindsay, can you put your shirt back on?
Toxic: Why? I still have something on! You can still film this!
Attorney: Lindsay, honey, please put your blouse back on. This is supposed to be something serious…
Toxic: This is supposed to be about ME, right? Well, this IS me! This is what I wear in nightclubs. This is what I wear in my concerts. It’s not like my fans haven’t seen me like this!
Director: Lindsay, please, this is serious.
Toxic: OOOOHHHH! Allright! But it have to get it off Poochie, because I left it with him so he could have something to sleep in.
(Two minutes later)
Attorney: Uh, Lindsay needs to get a new blouse. Her dog… well, her dog apparently…
Director: Okay guys, thirty minute break!
(An hour later)
Director: Okay, is everyone okay? Lindsay, are you okay?
Toxic: Yeah, I’m fine! Let’s do this! Whooo!
Director: Is she drunk? Was she drinking?
Toxic: What? I only had a couple of shots! I can’t work with this kind of pressure without it!
Attorney: Let’s just get this over with, okay? The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we all can go home.
Director: Okay, let’s do this. Lindsay, just say your name and then say the message here on the cue cards, okay? Nothing fancy, just read the cards.
Director: Aaaaand…. Action!
Toxic: Hi, I’m Lindsay Britt. Every day hundreds of lives are killed by… this [bleep] is boring!
Toxic: Why am I doing this? I’m LINDSAY [bleeping] BRITT! I’m a GODDESS! I’m a [bleeping] POP SUPERSTAR! I don’t need to read some stupid lines about people dying!
Attorney: Lindsay, listen carefully… this is the ONLY way that we can keep you out of PRISON! Do you understand? You need to do this or you will go to PRISON! That means no parties, no nightclubs, no concerts, no drinking, and NO TOY DOGS!
Toxic: [Sniff] You’re not supposed to be mean to me! You’re supposed to be on MY side! [Sniff] Everyone hates me!
Director: Lindsay… ah hell! Ten more minutes!
(Thirty minutes later)
Toxic: I’m Lindsay Britt. Every day hundreds of lives are killed by drunk drivers. Drinking and driving is not cool. It will get you killed or kill someone you love. Please don’t drink and drive. Seriously. Don’t. Or call a friend to drive you. Or something. Don’t make my mistake… or you’ll be doing a PSA like this one!
Director: CUT! Okay, that’s it! Thank you everyone.
Toxic: FINALLY! About [bleeping] time!
Attorney: Is that enough?
Director: Well she didn’t follow the script, but we can edit out the last part and work with that.
Attorney: That’s all we can ask for. We just need this to air as soon as possible so we can work out the plea deal to keep her out of prison.
Director: No promises. I’m not the one who makes the final decision. Boy is she a biatch or what? I feel sorry for you to have to work with her.
Attorney: If you think that’s bad, then you should have seen her last photo shoot!
Unfortunately for Toxic Primadonna and her attorney, the public service group that sponsored the PSA refused to air it, citing her drunken appearance and her disingenuous tone. The behind-the-scenes video also became part of the evidence used to sentence her to five years in the Zig.