New Reporter: Paragon Pundit

The Chronicles are pleased to announce the hiring of veteran blogger Paragon Pundit. The Paragon Pundit is a relatively low-level scrapper on the Champion Server who pretty much stayed on the sidelines until the release of Issue 11, which gave him the opportunity to go from being a bystander to an actual participant. The Paragon Pundit’s chief weapons are his blades. He wields both a powerful broadsword and a smaller elfin sword. Although he doesn’t possess superhuman abilities, he does have incredible force of will which allows him to hold his own against the street thugs and other criminals that plague Paragon City. The Paragon Pundit will be bringing his unique commentary to the Chronicles as well as the occasional interviews with other noted personalities both in Paragon City and the Rogue Isles.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #0

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#0: The Introduction

Hi guys! Paragon Pundit here.

The editor has given the green light to one of my ideas, which is to give a review of hero-themed movies.

The criteria is simple… any movie with a superhero theme to it is subject to review. That could mean your more traditional superhero characters, or new superheroes. These could be new movies, or more likely movies that are already out on DVD and Cable.

I’ll try to give the big stars, a basic summary of the movie, and then rate the overall movie on a 0-5 scale for three criteria.

Capes: The level of superhero quality. Is it really a superhero movie or is it just pretending to be one? 5 Capes means that it’s an ideal superhero flick.

Cheese: The level of stupidity. Do they take film seriously or is it more comic than comic book? 5 Cheeses means it’s the lamest around, so this is NOT the kind of high rating you want to see. The cheeses are American (0), Swiss (1), Mild Cheddar (2), Sharp Cheddar (3), Extra Sharp Cheddar (4), and Limburger (5).

Books: How good is the overall story? Is there a real story or is it more along the lines of an overrated toy commercial or music video? 0 books means that it’s nothing more than an overrated commercial or music video. 5 Books means that there’s an actual story being told.

Oh, by the way, I promise I will try my best to NOT give away any big secrets or spoil the ending. UNLESS the movie really sucks, in which case I would be doing you a favor.

So let’s see how this turns out, and please be sure to let me know what you think of my reviews by posting your thoughts in the comments section.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #3

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#3: Batman (1966 movie)

Tonight the Pundit goes back in time to one of the more infamous comic book movies… the original “Batman” movie from 1966. It was produced by 20^th Century Fox and starred Adam West, Burt Ward, Lee Meriwether, Cesar Romero, Burgess Meredith, and Frank Gorshin. The movie was released on DVD in 2001.

The movie was done following the first season of the ABC TV series, retaining (almost) all of the actors, characters, and overall themes from the series. (Series regular Julie Newmar had other commitments.) Although it pretends to be serious, it truly is the definition of camp.

The movie starts with Batman (West) and Robin (Ward) racing to rescue a kidnapped Commodore Schmidlapp on board his yacht. But instead of finding a yacht, they discover an exploding shark chomping on Batman’s leg. Batman manages to get rid of the shark using his Bat-Anti-Shark-Repellant, which he manages to store in his Batcopter, and gets away before the shark turns into shark bait. Returning to police headquarters, Batman and Robin work with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara to deduce that the master criminals behind this dastardly deed are the Joker (Romero), the Penguin (Meredith), the Riddler (Gorshin), and Catwoman (Meriwether), and that it is all part of a plot to take over the world.

While the Penguin impersonates Schmidlapp to sneak into the Batcave and use the Bat-resources to his advantage, Catwoman seduces Bruce Wayne by pretending to be a Russian reporter named Miss Kitka. She has no idea, of course, that millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne is really Batman, and he manages to use that to get out of their trap… which involves him running along a dock in the middle of daytime as Batman, holding a huge bomb with a lit fuse, trying to find someplace to toss it that doesn’t involve throwing it at ducks, boy scouts, a romantic couple, or a marching band, which all just come out of the woodwork. This leads to one of the lamest lines around… “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb!”

The so-called master plan involves a dehydration machine, a penguin-shaped war surplus submarine, and the United World Security Council (a.k.a. the United Nations). I’d go further into it but I don’t want to Bat-warp your brain any more that it already is at this point.

Sufficient to say, this is how Hollywood saw comic books at that time. If you don’t believe me, then Google up some of the old Filmation cartoons for all of the DC and Marvel heroes. They’re actually better than their live-action counterparts. It would take the release of “Superman: The Movie” to change this view, but that is another review for another time.

This pundit is no friend of camp, especially when it involves superheroes. This whole movie reeks of fermented cheese, and unfortunately it set the stage for future bad hero movies as people like Joel Shoemacher would transform the future Batman movie franchise into pathetic versions of this 60’s movie. Watch it at your Bat-peril.

Capes:	I can only give this movie 3 capes. I wish I could give it more, but the cheese factor really did this movie in.
Cheese:	Full-blown all-out Limburger (5) cheese with a Bat-order of Bat-Sauerkraut to Bat-boot.
Books:	Sorry, but only 2 books here. The story is Bat-weak and the over-Bat-acting really kills it.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #7

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#7: Hulk Vs

Get ready true believers, because now the Pundit is delving into a recent hero movie that went straight to DVD.

Our latest hero movie entry is “Hulk Vs”, which is an animated video released this past January by Marvel Comics and Lions Gate Films.

“Hulk Vs” is really TWO separate short movies combined either into 1 or 2 DVDs, depending on whether or not you bought the Special Edition. Each one has the Incredible Hulk battling two of Marvel Comic’s biggest characters. If you bought the Special Edition, each short movie has its own disc and goodies. If you bought the standard edition, both movies are on the same disc.

“Hulk vs. Wolverine” – This movie is supposed to re-tell the epic battle between the Hulk and Marvel’s most recognized mutant, Wolverine. Wolverine made his comic debut in 1974 in the pages of “The Incredible Hulk #180” as part of a three-man dance with the Hulk and Wendingo. This was seven months before he would become part of the new X-Men.

In this movie, we start with Wolverine waking up after being squashed by something big. We find out that the “something” was The Hulk. We then go through some flashbacks of Wolverine, in his civilian attire, as he is brought over to the destruction of a Canadian town. We are told that the destruction and loss of life were all caused by the Hulk. He suits up into his classic “yellow spandex” outfit (sorry, “X-men” movie joke) and goes hunting. Then he encounters a skittish half-naked Bruce Banner, whom Wolverine sniffs out and realizes that he is the Hulk. His “Canadian charm” forces Banner to change into the Jolly Green Monster, and thus we are brought back to the present.

Wolverine and Hulk spend the next few minutes engaged in a heated battle, with Wolverine spilling plenty of blood with his metal claws. Their battle is interrupted, though, by the arrival of a whole team of Wolverine’s old enemies and rivals (Sabretooth, Omega Red, Lady Deathstrike, and Deadpool).

From here the story takes a boring trip down Wolverine’s much-recounted past, showing how he was “recruited” to the Weapon X program, giving him his claws and wiping away his memories. From here we have Wolverine finding a way to escape the program again before they wipe his mind again and turn the Hulk into their newest “recruit”.

This half of the story is sadly disappointing. Rather than it being a “Hulk” story, this becomes more of a “Wolverine Origin” story, similar to the forthcoming “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” movie.

“Hulk vs. Thor” – This is an original “Hulk vs.” story which pits the Jolly Green Monster against the gods of Norse mythology, and especially long-time Marvel hero Thor.

We start with a recap of Norse Mythology, with an introduction of Asgard and how it must be defended every year while Odin sleeps against the threats of frost giants. We find out that the story is being told by Loki, the trickster of the gods and brother to Thor, the favored son of Odin. While Thor and the warriors of Asgard celebrate yet another seasonal victory against the frost giants, Loki schemes to change history. With the Enchantress by his side, Loki summons Bruce Banner to his realm, forces him to transform into the Hulk, and then pulls Banner’s soul out from the monster so he could control it.

The Hulk is then sent to Asgard, where he soundly defeats everyone except Thor. During the battle, Loki loses control of the monster and Banner’s soul is lost. Without Banner to control the monster, nothing will stop it from destroying all of Asgard. Thor and Loki must then work together to return Banner’s soul to the Hulk before it kills the still-sleeping Odin.

As with the first short film, this is even more of a “Thor” story than it ever could be a “Hulk” one. A lot of time is spent describing the Norse deities and what they do.

Since this is a package deal, I have to rate both short films as one movie. That’s good for the Wolverine story as this was something of a disappointment for this pundit. I also think that it was a waste to have this spilt into two discs as Lionsgate did with the Special Edition.

In both short films, we are given pretty much the same premise. Someone wants to control the Hulk, the Hulk proves that he cannot be controlled, and the Hulk smashes things. The Hulk is used as a plot device instead of being the central character of the story. The “bad guys” in both stories really are stupidity and arrogance.

Both films try to stay true to the Marvel mythos for the characters, especially with Thor. This keeps the cheese level relatively low. However the Wolverine story takes a serious twist when the Weapon X project is brought in, including characters that were never members of Weapon X to begin with. Plus, Banner is seen more as a flake than as the intellectual counter-balance to the savagery of his monster, especially when Banner encounters Wolverine.

This is a great video to get if you are a fan of Marvel characters, but don’t go into this thinking that you’re getting two Hulk stories, because you’re not. Also, the violence of the Wolverine story is clearly not for little kiddies. I don’t normally talk about price, but in this case, I suggest holding off on getting this until the price is down to about $10, and make sure it’s the standard edition, with everything on one DVD.

Capes:	Four capes out of five. Great iconic characters, but the introduction of the Weapon X project keeps it away from that fifth cape.
Cheese:	Mild Cheddar (2). One word: Deadpool.
Books:	Three books out of a possible five. The Thor story has a good solid story, even if it’s not a “Hulk” story. The Wolverine story takes a wrong turn halfway through when Weapon X is brought up and doesn’t really come back from it.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review - Special Comment

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

Special Comment on Burtonverse Batman

There have been some comments of late regarding my review of the last two Tim Burton-imagined Batman movies that I thought I would address.

First of all… yes, there is no doubt that both “Batman Forever” and “Batman and Robin” were done in camp format. The latter was even admittedly done in the same vein as the 1966 “Batman” movie and TV series. Even the Bat-killer himself, director Joel Schumacher, said that he was inspired by Adam West’s campy portrayal of the Caped Crusader when coming up with the last movie.

That still doesn’t excuse two simple facts:

(1) The last two Burtonverse Batman movies SUCKED.

(2) The use of camp for superhero portrayals SUCKS.

What makes a good superhero movie is not comedy, but a sense of realism. You want to feel like what you see COULD happen.

When Tim Burton did his original 1989 “Batman”, he showed a Gotham City that was SLIGHTLY surreal. Sure the colors were simplistic and often dull, the architecture was slightly exaggerated, and many of the characters looked like they haven’t slept in a week, but it still had the air of reality. Sure Batman would glide off balconies or ascend to the skies, but you also saw the ropes and the grappling hooks that showed that there was a science to doing it. Compare that to the UN-realities of “Batman and Robin”, where you have Batman and Robin air-surfing from an exploding rocket and ascending up skyscrapers through an infinite number of bat-lines, and you’ll see a distinctive difference.

When “Superman: The Movie” came out in 1977, the original movie tagline was “You will believe a man can fly!” And he did, and we believed it to some extent. But by the end of its four-movie run with “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace”, we all said “Can you believe this ****?!” (By the way, that movie run is on my to-review list.)

What changed? The use of CAMP in subsequent sequels. The first Superman movie had SOME camp to it. The last one was nothing BUT campy.

Oh, and for the record, I do not count “Superman Returns” as part of the four-movie series. Different director, different style, and different cast altogether.

Another movie series that has done a much better job of keeping the quality-levels up (and also on my to-review list) is “Spider-Man”. Yes, Spider-Man is a wise-cracking comedian, but that’s the way that he’s always been, even in the comics. He has a sense of witty flair when he captures bad guys and leaves them tied up for the police, or when he muzzles J Jonah Jameson for running his mouth. That has always been a part of his character. You see those movies and you can BELIEVE those kinds of things COULD exist in the real world. That makes all the difference.

The differences between the Burtonverse Batman and the one imagined by Christopher Nolan (“Nolanverse?”) will be pretty clear once you see my reviews of “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight”.

Camp and action do not mix well. Camp has its place, but it’s not in the kind of movies where you are supposed to BELIEVE what you are seeing is real.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #6

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#6: Batman Returns

In 1989, Director Tim Burton saved the legendary Caped Crusader from an eternity of campy stupidity with the Warner Brothers release of “Batman”. After raking in $43.6 million on opening weekend and eventually grossing over $250 million, the studio and the fans wondered how Burton and company could follow up with that. The answer came in 1992 with the release of “Batman Returns”, starring Michael Keaton, Danny DeVito, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken, Pat Hingle, and Michael Gough.

The movie starts with a baby being born to the wealthy Cobblepot family. But this child is clearly deformed and somewhat animalistic. Out of shame, the parents (played by Paul Reubens and Dianne Salinger – both from Burton’s “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”) hurl the caged baby basket into the river, thinking that the child would drown. Instead, we see the basket floating down the sewer and towards a group of penguins.

Thirty-three years later, Gotham City is awash with tales of a mutated “Penguin Monster”, and its Christmas gala, sponsored by millionaire Max Shreck (Walken) is besieged by a demented circus troop. This forces Commissioner Gordon (Hingle) to fire up the Bat-signal, alerting Bruce Wayne (Keaton) to race to the rescue as Batman.

While Batman is cleaning up the streets, Shreck is kidnapped and brought down into the sewers, where we learn that the carnival gang is being run by that grown-up mutated infant who now calls himself the Penguin (DeVito). Penguin convinces Shreck to help him in his grand scheme, especially after telling the industrialist that he knows about every piece of dirty dealing Shreck has ever done, and has the evidence to prove it all. “You flush it,” he says, “I flaunt it.”

Penguin uses Shreck’s help to get himself out of the sewers and into the media limelight, revealing that his real name is Oswald Cobblepot. While the media buys his story, Batman notes that Penguin is spending a lot of time going over the city records.

Meanwhile, scatterbrained secretary Selina Kyle (Pfeiffer) discovers that Shreck’s plan to create a new power plant would actually drain energy from the city rather than provide it. Shreck shoves Kyle out a window and seemingly to her death. She is brought to life, however, by a group of stray cats, and the shock of her resurrection forces her to change into a more cat-like being. Soon she is wearing a skin-tight leather outfit with claws and a whip and calling herself Catwoman.

When the mayor refuses to give Shreck the green light for his power plant scheme, Shreck convinces Penguin to run for mayor. When Catwoman’s one-feline vendetta against Shreck crosses paths with the Penguin’s orchestrated riot, Catwoman finds herself in a rooftop fight against Batman and falls one more time, this time into a truck full of kitty litter. Catwoman then meets with Penguin and convinces him to join forces to destroy Batman.

Meanwhile, Kyle finds herself being attracted to Bruce Wayne, not knowing why the two of them have so much in common. This leads to the predictable awkward moment when the two of them kiss and both struggle to hide the scars that their alter-egos gave each other earlier on the rooftops.

I would say more about this, but that would give away the ending.

The movie certainly was a big box-office success, bringing in $45.69 million on opening weekend and a total world-wide gross of $266.83 million. But not everyone was happy with the overall violence and sensuality of Catwoman and her “resurrected” alter-ego.

In terms of a hero movie, this certainly has all of the right elements. You have a clear iconic hero (Batman), you have two clear villains (Shreck and Penguin), and one anti-hero (Catwoman). You can’t really call Catwoman a “villain” in this movie, especially since her character is more of a traumatic victim seeking revenge than an actual “bad girl”. Plus you have the return of actors Michael Keaton (Bruce Wayne/Batman), Pat Hingle (Commissioner Gordon), and Michael Gough (Alfred) to keep the same feel going for this movie. And this time around, Burton left Prince’s music out of the sequel and stuck with the instrumental score by Danny Elfman.

DeVito and Pfeiffer followed Jack Nicholson’s trend of going over-the-top with their portrayal of their characters, which worked perfectly for Pfeiffer’s role as Catwoman, but DeVito’s Penguin delved more towards the rank of camp, which is NOT something you want to bring into a Batman movie.

What this pundit did find strange was seeing this movie with a clear Christmas theme be released in JULY. Executives at Warner Brothers really got their calendars mixed up on that one. But then again, this was really before studios hyped Christmas-day releases.

Sadly, Director Burton also increased the surrealism in this film, and that had an effect on the cheese factor. The sewer waters that looked cleaner than most public pools, a revolver that could still fire even after being left underwater, an army of penguins carrying missiles striped like the North Pole, Wayne and Alfred acting like MC Bats, and, as Penguin would later exclaim: “Why is it that someone always brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?” And you would think that after the first movie, someone would figure out that you don’t send a giggling clown to take on Batman!

Sadder still, this would be the last time that Burton and Keaton would put their names to the Batman series. The cowl would be handed over to Val Kilmer, and although Burton would stay on as producer, the series would left in the directorial hands of Joel Schumacher, where it would die of embarrassment two movies later. BUT… those would be reviews for another time.

In all, this is a good hero movie to watch, especially around the holidays. Just be careful of the cheese.

Capes:	Good iconic characters. Gotta give it all 5 capes.
Cheese:	The added surrealism right from the start bumps up the cheese factor to Cheddar (3).
Books:	A good story with a developed resolution. Sadly the cheese factor affects the quality of the story, so I can only give it 4 out of 5 books.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #1

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#1: Zoom

This is the first of what should hopefully be a long series of various hero-related movie reviews.

This first one is “Zoom”, otherwise known as “Zoom: Academy for Superheroes”. It was released by Sony Pictures in 2006 and starring Tim Allen, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Chevy Chase, and Rip Torn. It’s out on DVD or on Cable.

The story starts out with a team of teenaged superheroes led by “Captain Zoom”, whose exploits were made famous by a comic book. It turns out the “Team Zenith” was a military project running out of Area 52 (yes, one better than 51) and the comic book was used for propaganda purposes. In the comic books, most of the team was killed by a villain known as “Concussion”. But in reality, “Concussion” was a member of the team that was driven insane by exposure to Gamma-13 radiation in the government’s attempt to make the team “stronger”.

Three decades later, Dr. Grant (Chase), the original scientist behind the Zenith Project, discovers that Concussion wasn’t killed, but was sent to a different dimension and was on his way back. Grant brings in Zoom, now just a burned-out, bitter and powerless middle-aged man (Allen), to train a new team of superpowered teenagers, but refuses to tell him why. Zoom is only told that he has to train them, or else the Project’s commander (Torn) will dose them with Gamma-13 and let the chips fall where they may.

The new team consists of a lone-wolf character named Dylan that can turn invisible, a telekinetic girl named Summer, a chubby kid named Tucker that can expand any part of his body, and a 6-year old girl named Cindy with superhuman strength. Aiding Zoom is a bookwormish psychiatrist named Marsha (Cox-Arquette) who it turns out is a huge comic fangirl that idolized Team Zenith and the young Captain Zoom.

Most of the movie at this point consists of three things:

1. The eternal torment of Dr. Grant, sometimes for no other reason than because it gives the actor the chance to impersonate a Loony Toones character.

2. The continual dysfunction between Zoom, the teens, and Marsha, mostly done to pop music.

3. The eternal sense of dread from General Larraby about how close “Concussion” is to returning and his insistence that the team be given the Gamma-13, even though he knows that it also was behind the whole fiasco in the first place.

Eventually, of course, everyone gets it together, which brings us to still more pop-music montages.

I won’t give away the ending but you can probably guess how it turns out. The problem is that the story gets progressively bad and cliché once the ending approaches.

My initial thought was that this was a Disney movie. It had all of the look and feel of a Disney-made flick, right down to the hokey pop-music montages and the emphasis on young teens.

In terms of being a hero movie, I have to give it a low score. These aren’t the X-Men. They’re not even the Z-Men. Their costumes aren’t even symbolic. They’re more like sleepwear. And their feared “bad guy” is really nothing of the sort.

You pretty much hit all of the stereotypes in the new “Zenith Team”. If the chubby kid can master his body size part-by-part, then why couldn’t he make himself perpetually thin? Why does the lone wolf get to be the leader, not to mention have a secondary power? Shouldn’t the telepathic/telekinetic chick have that power? And a six-year old girl that dresses herself in pink costumes and has super-strength usually doesn’t have a heart of gold in real life.

But then again it’s supposedly not really about them. It’s about Zoom the wisecracking burnout. And I suppose if he WAS told the truth from the start of the movie, then he would have done more to properly train the new recruits and deal with the enemy that really wasn’t. But then again it wouldn’t have allowed the actor to let loose with his wisecracks.

In all, “Zoom” is a teen story pretending to be a hero story. In fact it almost seems like the superhero elements are forced into the story. Enjoy it for the comedy because that’s really all that it is good for.

Capes:	I have to give 3 capes, and that’s being generous.
Cheese:	This rates an Extra Sharp Cheddar (4), especially at the end, and, again, I’m being generous.
Books:	I can only give it 2 books, because the story is weak and had the potential to be good but traded that for slapstick comedy.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #5

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#5: Hancock

After going over some past superhero flicks, it’s time to look at a more recent superhero movie. That takes us to “Hancock” starring Will Smith, Jason Bateman, and Charlize Theron. The film was released by Columbia Pictures in 2008 and is available on DVD in both the theatrical (PG-13) and unrated editions.

The film is about a superhero named John Hancock (Smith). He has superpowers, and he isn’t afraid to use them, and he doesn’t care about the consequences of his powers. When bank robbers lead police on a high speed chase, a hung-over Hancock crashes through road signs to get to the “bad guys” (and the debris destroy the chasing police cars), crashes through the fleeing vehicle, and then tears up the highway to bring the SUV to a halt. He then picks up the vehicle and carries it through the city, smashing into the corners of buildings in the process, before impaling it on a building spire for the police to retrieve. Millions of dollars in damage, and that’s all before breakfast. But Hancock doesn’t care, just like he doesn’t care about any of the other complaints made about him when he does good deeds.

That changes when a PR spokesman named Ray Embrey (Bateman) is saved by Hancock after his car is pinned in the middle of a railroad crossing in front of an oncoming train. Hancock flips the car out of the way, then stands in the way of the train to hit it head-on and force a massive derailment. While the crowd is screaming complaints at him, Embrey tells them that they should be thankful that Hancock saved a man’s life. He offers Hancock a chance to change the negative perception and make him respected and respectable again, even though his wife Mary (Theron) disagrees.

We get a chance to see some of the nonchalant ways Hancock has carried himself. For instance, showing up in front of children half-naked to treat himself to some ice cream after putting out a fire. Or him rescuing a beached whale by grabbing its tail and tossing it a half-mile into the ocean. To change that negative image, Embry convinces Hancock to turn himself in to the police for his abuses and let him sit out in jail as crime escalates and wait until the police call for his return. This leads to Hancock hesitantly going along with the plan, including enduring jail, anger management courses, and working on better handling of his abilities.

When he does return at the behest of the city, we see a clean, sober, and clean-shaven Hancock sporting a new designer costume and with greater control over his powers and a more politically-correct demeanor. The city, of course, loves the new look. But not everyone likes the change.

We spend the rest of the movie learning more about Hancock and his past. We find out how he got his name, where he got his powers, and why Mary seemingly doesn’t like him. And at the same time, we find out what Hancock’s real weakness is, besides people calling him a certain word that ends with “hole”.

This movie actually gives a very realistic version of a burned-out superhero and the personal struggles of living with superpowers. When you’re faster than a bullet and more powerful than a locomotive, you can’t really let yourself go in certain “intimate” situations, as the unrated version of the film demonstrates. And taking off and landing are not as easy as you would think, especially when you’re flying in at supersonic speed, never mind drunk.

Sadly, the general story begins to deteriorate after that reform takes hold. The spectacular battle that you see in the trailers where even Mother Nature joins in isn’t the climactic battle. And what causes that spectacular battle is needless. The climax of the film is far from spectacular, although the resolution is very heart-rending.

Will Smith plays the role of the burned-out Hancock quite well, and Jason Bateman plays the eternally optimistic PR spokesman and hero-reformer as though it was his second nature. Charlize Theron’s role as Mary, though, seems a little out-of-place at times. As a housewife, she does the role well, but it’s when the story takes that unexpected turn (you’ll know when that is) that you will see that she seems out of her element.

This is definitely not the kind of hero movie you would want kids to see, but for the grown-up heroes, I think you’ll find it quite enjoyable.

Capes:	Only 4 capes out of 5 here. The new costume is good, the bad guy is weak.
Cheese:	Very realistic look at superpowers in use keeps the cheese quality down to American (0).
Books:	3 out of 5 books. The general story is good, but the climax needed more work.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #2

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#2: X-Men

After reviewing “Zoom”, I thought I would give you a taste of what a REAL superhero team would be like, and give you a review of “X-Men”, based on the popular Marvel Comic series. “X-Men” was released by 20^th Century Fox in 2000, directed by Bryan Singer, and stars Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Sir Ian McKellen, Anna Paquin, Famke Janssen, Bruce Davison, James Marsden, Halle Berry, Rebecca Romijn, Ray Park, and Tyler Mane. The movie is available on DVD either by itself or in a box set with its two sequels, or on occasion on the FX channel.

The story starts with a young Jewish boy being separated from his family in Auschwitz in World War II. The fear of losing his parents triggers his mutant magnetic ability and almost manages to tear the metal doors open before being knocked out. Fast forward to 2000, and Senator Robert Kelly (Davison) is grilling Dr. Jean Grey (Janssen) about the existence of teenagers with mutant abilities and how the senator feels they should be treated as threats to the nation. The scene is observed by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart) and Erik Lehnsherr (McKellen), who was that boy from Auschwitz now bitter at what he sees as history repeating itself.

The story switches from there to the plight of a young Southern girl named Marie (Paquin) who kisses a young boy for the first time and accidentally puts him in a coma. Overridden by guilt, she runs away and finds herself in Canada, where she meets up with a scraggly drifter that calls himself “Wolverine” (Jackman) and has razor-sharp claws that protrude and retract between his fingers. It’s here that she calls herself “Rogue”. She sneaks a ride on Wolverine’s truck and manages to get a few words in before they are attacked by a menacing blonde monster later called Sabertooth (Mane). He attacks the two of them, allowing Rogue to see Wolverine’s mutant healing power at work, before they are rescued by Storm (Berry) and Cyclops (Marsden).

The story then focuses more on Wolverine and how he finds himself in the Xavier School for the Gifted and how Xavier was once best friends with Erik, who now calls himself Magneto. Xavier asks Wolverine to stay and offers to use his powers and resources to help him unlock his past. Wolverine stays, partly because out of concern for Rogue, who has developed a crush on him, and partly because of his own attraction to Jean Grey, who is seeing Cyclops.

Meanwhile, Senator Kelly is kidnapped by two more of Magneto’s associates, the grotesque Toad (Park) and the erotic shape-shifting Mystique (Romijn). They take the senator to Magneto’s lair, where Magneto exposes him to a device that would turn normal people into mutants. Kelly escapes because of his new mutant ability and looks to Jean for help. Magneto’s forces overwhelm the X-Men and kidnap Rogue, who was running away after being accidentally stabbed by Wolverine. With the information they get from the senator, the X-Men take on Magneto’s “Brotherhood” at the Statue of Liberty.

There’s a lot that is missing from this summary, and that’s because I don’t want to spoil it for anyone that hasn’t seen this yet. There are plenty of heroic elements to this movie that make this one of the really best hero movies.

Even though Director Singer said that he didn’t want to do a “comic book movie”, he actually managed to make a realistic comic book movie. Although the costumes lack the “yellow spandex”, they would reflect the kind of realistic outfit that you would see from a group of mutants, and they still had the X-symbols on them. The Blackbird, the Xavier School, even Cerebro are all right out of the comic book. And the music has a heroic feel to it. We’re not talking pre-packaged MTV pop music. We’re talking orchestral music.

The casting is exceptional as well, with seasoned actors like Stewart and McKellen teaming up with (then) up-and-coming stars like Jackman, Paquin, Marsden, Romijn, and Berry (before she won her Oscar). Their characters interact quite well and almost come right out of the comic book. And of course the SERIOUS drool factor goes to Romijn’s Mystique character, who spends most of her time naked except for strategically placed scales and blue bodypaint.

I would definitely recommend this as a hero movie, and if you haven’t already gotten it on DVD, pick up the box set with the other two sequels.

Capes:	I have to give 4 out of 5 capes and that only because while the characters are realistic, they’re not really iconic enough for all five capes.
Cheese:	Nothing but American Cheese (0). They really took this seriously.
Books:	Definitely gets all 5 books from me. There is a solid story and great characters along with wonderful effects and an original score instead of pre-packaged pop.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #4

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#4: Batman (1989 Movie)

Following up on my scathing review of the 1966 film, it’s time to take a look at the next attempt at doing the Dark Knight some justice with the 1989 Warner Brothers release of “Batman”, directed by Tim Burton, and starring Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Kim Bassinger, Robert Wuhl, Jack Palance, Michael Gough, Billy Dee Williams, Tracey Walter, Pat Hingle, and Jerry Hall.

The movie starts with a young family lost in the mean streets of Gotham City. They quickly find themselves lost in an alley and mugged by two thugs. Unbeknownst to them, their actions were observed by a shadowy figure. That figure would become the infamous Batman (Keaton), who tells one of the thugs to spread the word that he’s around.

The story of Batman is easily dismissed as urban legend, though, despite the efforts of investigative reporter Alexander Knox (Wuhl). Gotham Police, split between honest cops loyal to Commissioner Gordon (Hingle) and DA Harvey Dent (Williams) and corrupt cops loyal to Mob Boss Carl Grissom (Palance), both dismiss the reports of the Batman and his exploits. Knox is joined by famed photojournalist Vicky Vale (Bassinger) who believes that Batman exists and the two go off to Bruce Wayne’s party to talk with Gordon and Dent.

Meanwhile Boss Grissom has decided that he needs to get rid of his right-hand man. Jack Napier (Nicholson) has been fooling around with his girlfriend (Hall) and needs to be eliminated. He arranges the corrupt police to have Napier killed.

Gordon finds out about the attempted hit and moves to arrest Napier. His conversation is overheard by Wayne’s elaborate security system, and soon the raid is joined by Gordon’s police, and by Batman. During the battle, Batman confronts Napier, and in a quick gunfire, a ricochet bullet cuts Napier’s face open and tosses him over a railing. Batman reaches out to Napier, but loses his grip and the gangster falls into a vat of chemicals and disappears.

The next night Wayne meets with Vale and the two end up getting drunk and having sex. At the same time, a disfigured and deranged Napier shows up at Grissom’s penthouse and announces that “Jack is dead… call me… JOKER!” Grissom is then shot to death by the perpetually grinning white-skinned lunatic.

Joker assumes control of the whole criminal operation, much to the shock of Wayne. Joker is also smitten by Vale and plans to meet with her, bringing his equally disfigured girlfriend in tow. Meanwhile, people are dropping like flies in Gotham because of the Joker’s deadly drug known as “Smilex”, which causes people to laugh to death as their skin turns white and their hair turns green.

The movie at this point becomes a game of cat-and-mouse as the Joker finds ways to kill everyone in Gotham, Batman tries to find the Joker, and Vale wants to know what the connection is between Wayne, Batman, and the Joker. Oh, and Knox wants a grant. And an admission that he was right.

This movie was a welcomed re-introduction of the Batman legend, especially after the camp buffoonery of the 60’s TV series, the 1966 movie, and subsequent TV spin-offs which cast Batman more as an overly-dramatic Bat-fix-it-man, with a specific Bat-device for any kind of problem. Whereas the campy Batman would pull out a “Bat-anti-thug-immobilizer”, the movie Batman would rather just punch the criminal’s lights out. It helped that the movie was made not long after the publishing of Frank Miller’s “Dark Knight Returns”, which had an aging Batman returning from retirement to reclaim Gotham, and Alan Moore’s “The Killing Joke”, in which the Joker cripples Barbara Gordon and tries to drive her father insane. In fact it is said that “The Killing Joke” was the story that inspired Director Burton to take the needed overall dark tone of the story.

The casting of Keaton as the Caped Crusader came a complete surprise, since Keaton was best known for his comedic roles in movies like “Beatlejuice” and “Mr. Mom”. Yet he played the character dangerously and maintained the proper balance between Wayne and Batman. Nicholson, on the other hand, played the role of the Joker as over-the-top as he could, which fit the character nicely.

Burton’s surreal view of Gotham does add a certain level of cheesiness to the movie. But rather than playing up on the surreal elements and going camp, Burton rightly adopted a serious tone to legitimatize the look, and thus kept the cheese factor contained. This is the important element that separated this movie from subsequent sequels, especially coming from people like Joel Shoemacher, who single-handedly destroyed the Batman film run for about a decade. But that is another review for another time.

As a hero movie, though, this stands out as one of the best.

Capes:	This film earned all 5 capes. You have a clearly-visible iconic hero and a clear villain.
Cheese:	Burton’s surrealism gives it a necessary Swiss cheese (1), but fortunately it is contained.
Books:	A good story with sufficient twists. The very last part could use some work so it only gets 4 books out of 5.

Number One Movie Ignored by Biggest Fans

Number One Movie Blockbuster Ignored by Biggest Fans
– article by Paragon Pundit

ATLAS PARK, PARAGON CITY, RI – (BRXC) The City of Crime may be the number one place to be for most of the world this weekend, but surprisingly it is not the case for one metropolitan city known for their superheroes.

“The City Knight”, the sequel to the ever-popular movie “MidKnight Begins”, set box office records on its Friday Midnight debut in most places around the United States… except for Paragon City.

Box office sales for the movie in Paragon City have been surprisingly anemic on Friday, with most of the movie’s biggest potential draw spending the time fighting real-world crime and stopping real-world dangers.

Paragon City officials blame the lack of box office draw on an infrequent mystical event called by some as the “Double XP Weekend”, where personal and group rewards for superhero activities are doubled for that period of time.

“It’s really a bad series of coincidences” said Susan Davies, in charge of the Enhanced Logistics for Insight and Tactical Excellence. “Most of this city’s heroes are huge fans of MidKnight. They’ve grown up with the comic books, they enjoyed the animated series, and many of them will even say that they began their careers to be just like MidKnight. If the debut was done on any other weekend, every single theatre in this city would be packed to the brim with superheroes!”

Ironically, much of the filming of the movie, which has the natural-based scrapper fighting his arch-nemesis HelliJester, was done in Galaxy City and Steel Canyon through coordination with ELITE. Davies is even listed in the film’s credits as “Location Coordinator”.

Davies said that city officials petitioned distributor Barner Boys to move the debut either one week ahead or back, but Barner executives balked at the idea, saying that their release date was set months ago.

“We can’t change the XP weekend,” Davies said. “That’s like trying to stop the planet from rotating. Well actually we have a few heroes that can do that, but you get the general idea.”

Barner officials are currently mulling over the idea of an exclusive premiere party for the superheroes to be held the following weekend with a special appearance by most of the cast.

Meantime, Lord Recluse has banned the film from being shown in the Rogue Isles, accusing it of being “Pro-Statesman propaganda”. Recluse had previously banned the showing of the film’s predecessor for the same reason.

Reverend Neo-Con: Palin Visit Cost RI

Reverend Neo-Con Says GOP Visit Cost Race
– article by Paragon Pundit

Normally a visit from a presidential candidate or their running mate would help voter support. But one neo-conservative said that a recent visit by the GOP Vice-Presidential candidate may have cost their party the White House.

Neo-conservative commentator F. Sean Rush, otherwise known on the airwaves as the Reverend Neo-Con, said that a recent appearance by Alaska’s Governor and GOP running mate Sarah Palin in the Rogue Isles actually served as a detriment to supporters.

“There is no doubt in my mind that Governor Palin’s visit cost the GOP a victory in Rhode Island,” said the controversial talk show host. “She didn’t have to be in the Rogue Isles. She should have instead been in Paragon City helping to secure the vote for her party.”

Governor Palin was spotted in Cap Au Diable just three days prior to elections, and while campaign officials refused to publicly disclose why she was in the Rogue Isles, sources close to the campaign said that Palin was trying to appeal to the untold hundreds of US citizens exiled to the island to encourage them to either return to the United States to vote, or to vote through absentee ballot.

Reverend Neo-Con, a self-exiled US citizen, says that Palin’s visit came too late to help her party.

“You don’t show up just a week before the election and tell my fellow exiles that they need to make arrangements for absentee ballots or to find some why to go back to the United States to vote. This is something that you do in September, like the Democrats did, or early October. Not a week before the election.”

The reverend referred to the visit to Paragon City by Senator Barack Obama on September 8^th as an example of how to handle an unscheduled event. The Democratic presidential candidate spent much of his time in Atlas Park handing out free health power to everyone in attendance as part of support for universal health care, resulting in a five-percent increase in voter support for the city according to polls.

Derek Amberson, a strategist for Enhanced Logistics for Insight and Tactical Excellence (ELITE) in Galaxy City, says that the kind of coordination needed to bring exiled voters over from the Rogue Isles would take weeks if not months.

“The system that has been set up by criminal operations like Arachnos to bring people over to Paragon City can only handle a small group of people. We’re talking eight or ten at most, not counting support staff. To bring in any more could be seen and treated as a foreign invasion, and that’s not the kind of confrontation that the Rogue Isles can afford to make; and certainly not just to get people over so they can vote.”

Amberson added that those voters that are in exile, such as Reverend Neo-Con, would not want to return to the United States just to vote.

“Bear in mind that many of the people living in exile in the Rogue Isles are there for a reason. Some of them have been indicted or are facing indictment for various crimes. Others are convicted felons that have escaped prison, and as such cannot vote even if they wanted to. I don’t see them risking everything just to vote in an election, especially since they already risked everything just to get out of the country.”

Rhode Island voters overwhelmingly supported President-Elect Obama on Election Day over Senator John McCain by a margin of over thirty percent. Paragon City officials believe that support was even stronger for the president-elect following reports of Governor Palin’s visit to the Rogue Isles.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #10

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#10: Superman: Doomsday

When Warner Brothers launched their new “DC Universe” animated movie series, they wanted the first one to be big. Well, you can’t get any bigger than the story that shocked the world.

“Superman: Doomsday” was released by Warner Brothers as a direct-to-video movie in 2007. It was re-released as a Special Edition version in 2008. The movie stars the voices of Adam Baldwin, Anne Heche, James Marsters (who plays Brainiac on “Smallville”), Swoozie Kurtz, and a guest voice of Kevin Smith.

The movie is based on three interlocking storylines in DC Comics involving the death, mourning, and resurrection of Superman. Unfortunately, Warner Brothers executives insisted that the film be just long enough to fit into their Cartoon Network schedule, so much of the intense drama of the whole “Doomsday” series had to be abbreviated.

As the movie begins, we are introduced to scenes of Superman (Baldwin) doing heroic deeds. As he is seen saving the day time and time again, we discover that the person narrating his life is none other than Lex Luthor (Marsters), who comments that even though Superman is worshipped as a god, even gods can die.

At the Daily Planet, Lois Lane (Heche) argues with her editor over her story attacking a charity that serves as a cover for yet another Luthor plot. After having her story nixed, she sees Clark Kent preparing to leave for Afghanistan. She acts cold towards him, but after he leaves she gives him a longing look.

Later that night, a team of LexCorp scientists unearth a strange alien device. Luthor is alerted to the discovery as he postpones the discovery of yet another medical cure. It is inferred that Luthor has the cure to almost every ailment known to man, but that he is intentionally withholding them so he can turn the treatments into perennial fortunes.

Meanwhile at the Fortress of Solitude, Superman tries and fails to develop a cure for cancer. He is comforted by Lois, and it’s pretty clear that their relationship is more than just “professional”.

The LexCorp workers crack open the alien device, letting loose a destructive monster that kills everyone there before moving on. The scene is witnessed by Luthor through a video camera. He comments that the aliens that put the monster there did so because they couldn’t kill it. Out in the open, we see that the monster is huge, with bony protrusions coming out of its body. It also demonstrates that it is quite capable of killing anything it sees, including helpless animals.

Back at the Fortress, Lois talks with Superman and alludes that she knows that he’s Clark Kent, but still tries to get him to actually admit it. He continues to play coy. Superman is alerted to the monster’s attack and is told that it is a genetically-engineered “Doomsday” weapon that cannot differentiate between friend and foe.

Doomsday arrives in Metropolis as the military tries to stop it. Superman drops Lois off at the Daily Planet rooftop and then rushes to take on Doomsday, who is at that time decimating the soldiers. We see several minutes of tremendous fighting between Superman and Doomsday, with Lois and Jimmy Olson watching in person, and with the rest of the world watching through TV, including Clark’s adopted mother Martha Kent (Kurtz). Superman gives everything he has, only to find Doomsday giving just as much in return, if not more. When Doomsday turns his attention to a crying little girl, Superman uses the last of his powers to put the monster down once and for all. The monster is finally stopped, and then Superman collapses and dies in Lois’ arms. She whispers “Clark” as she cries.

Superman is given a brief but immense funeral service. Jimmy’s photos covering the battle and Superman’s death make him a media celebrity and he is soon hired by a gossip magazine. Lois, still grief-stricken, visits Martha and lets her know that she knows the truth, and that she really needs someone she can talk to. Luthor is perplexed by the injustice of not being the one to kill Superman. He makes sure that his assistant has cleaned up any connection to his company releasing Doomsday, and then he kills his assistant.

Time passes, crime escalates, and soon Lois is putting herself in danger again, this time trying to rescue a bus full of kids from the Toyman and his mechanical spider. (Note to Toyman: take a few tips from Lord Recluse on how to build a menacing spider.) As the bus falls, with Lois inside, a fist punches up through Superman’s grave. Superman is back, but it soon becomes clear that he is not the same man as before.

The story at this point deals with the revelations surrounding Superman’s “return” and who is really behind it. But as Superman makes some shocking new changes, another figure appears at the Fortress. Could he be the REAL Superman?

If you ever read the “Death and Life of Superman” book or read the whole comic series, or even heard the audio drama “Superman Lives” (this Pundit did all three), then you probably would be disappointed by the heavily abbreviated story. There were multiple elements from the original comic book series that were not conveyed in this movie. Gone was any mention of other heroes such as Batman, Supergirl, or members of the Justice League. Superman appears to be the only superhero in this world. Also missing was Jonathan Kent, Clark’s adopted father, who played a significant role in Superman’s return in the comics, not to mention the four men that would be considered Superman’s “replacements”, including the one that would be his new enemy. All of these things were lost in the name of time constraints and had an effect on the scope of the story.

As an end result, the battle between Superman and Doomsday, though spectacular, was far from epic. The loss of Superman was not as emotional and seen as almost a footnote. And his return, along with the final battle, seemed almost anti-climactic.

As a stand-alone story, presuming that your understanding of Superman is restricted to the TV series “Smallville” or what you’ve seen in the motion pictures, it has some entertaining elements. There is still enough emotion in the battle with Doomsday for you to feel the sense of loss when Superman dies. The resolution with Lois at the end of the movie (which I won’t spoil for you) was good, but seemed somewhat contrived.

The characters seemed to be adequately cast, and that’s really not much of a compliment. Adam Baldwin did an okay job doing the voice of Superman. Anne Heche seemed out of place, though, as Lois. She does a good job doing the voice of Lois as a hard-hitting reporter, but it’s hard to connect the voice to the character during the emotional scenes. James Marsters makes Luthor sound more of a psychopath than as a Machiavellian corporate villain. Marsters probably should have gotten some pointers from his “Smallville” co-star Michael Rosenbaum on how to portray Luthor.

As mentioned earlier, Kevin Smith does have a cameo appearance as a “grumpy guy” that exclaims “Like we really needed him to bust up a mechanical spider, right? - lame.” The line is a studio joke as Smith balked at the idea of Superman fighting a giant spider in his failed attempt at doing the story for “Superman Returns”. That probably explains why Toyman’s spider looked lame.

The biggest mistake made on this movie, though, was that Warner Brothers executives insisted that the story fit their Cartoon Network timeframe. This left a story that seemed rushed at times. Had the studio thrown out the clock and left Director/Producer Bruce Timm to really develop the story the way it should have, it probably would have been a guaranteed blockbuster.

This movie is rated PG-13, and not just because of the violence. The personal relationship between Lois and Superman really is designed for a more mature audience than the kind that watches Cartoon Network. Plus we have blood and the destruction of certain “genetic creations” which I won’t mention too much because that would be spoiling things.

In terms of a hero movie, this one is good. Not great, but good. The cheese factor is thankfully low, the heroes and villains are iconic, but the story left a little more to be desired.

Capes:	It earns all five capes. This is, after all, SUPERMAN!
Cheese:	Psycho-Lex gives the movie some cheese… but only of the Swiss (1) variety.
Books:	Sadly, only three out of five books. Studio-imposed time restraints left the story lacking in many places.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #13

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#13: Superman III

At the credits of “Superman II” there was talk about yet another sequel to the Superman series. If anyone hoped that number three would be better than the Academy-award winning first movie or the action-and-cheese-filled second movie, they would be sadly mistaken.

“Superman III” was released by Warner Brothers in 1983, and it would be the last Superman movie produced by Alexander and Ilya Salikind, although they would later produce the spinoff “Supergirl” and the 1988 TV series “Superboy”. Richard Lester, who assimilated the work of Richard Donner in the previous movie, directs this feature by himself. It stars Christopher Reeve, Richard Pryor, Annette O’Toole, Annie Ross, Pamela Stephensen, Robert Vaughn, and with brief appearances by Jackie Cooper, Marc McClure, and Margot Kidder.

The movie starts with a sad sack named Gus Gorman (Pryor), who discovers he has a knack for computers and computer programming. When he discovers a way to get one-half of a penny off every financial transaction, it makes him filthy rich, and it catches the eye of his company’s boss, Ross Webster (Vaughn). Webster realizes that Gorman’s skills at computer hacking and programming could make him the richest and most powerful man in the world.

Meanwhile, Clark Kent (Reeve) decides to attend his high school reunion in Smallville. It helps to have Lois Lane (Kidder) out on a foreign assignment as well. On the way to Smallville, he extinguishes a chemical fire, discovering that one of the experimental chemicals would destroy the whole East Coast if it heats from liquid to gaseous form. (Yes it will be important later on.) Superman saves the day by freezing a whole lake and then dropping the ice over the plant. Jimmy Olson (McClure) is injured during the event and thus he’s relegated to the storyline bench.

At Smallville, Clark becomes reacquainted with his high school crush, Lana Lang (O’Toole), who by this time was divorced with a young son. Brad, who tormented Clark in the first movie, is now Lana’s loser ex trying to humiliate Clark and win back Lana’s heart again.

Webster sends Gorman to hack into the government’s “weather satellite” to create storms to destroy Columbia’s coffee crop. Gorman does it, but then tells Webster that for every disaster he created, Superman managed to thwart, including turning a tornado upside-down (don’t ask how). Webster tells Gorman that he has to come up with a way to neutralize Superman, and the only way possible is Kryptonite. Gorman researches what makes up Kryptonite and discovers that part of it is “unknown”. Since his pack of cigarettes has the same percentage of tar as the “unknown” element, Gorman uses it to fill in the blanks. Gorman then dons a phony military uniform and joins Webster’s ugly sister Vera (Ross) and convenient arm-candy Lorelei (Stephensen) and the three of them hand Superman the green crystal, which seems to have no apparent effect on Superman, but there is a change in him afterwards.

Gradually Superman becomes Super-jerk as he commits random acts of mischief. Realizing that Gorman has actually succeeded, Webster gives him the green-light to construct his “ultimate computer” as he sends Lorelei to seduce the corrupted hero to get him to sabotage the world’s oil supply.

The fully-corrupted Superman is now reduced to being a drunken loser, smashing bottles with peanuts and melting mirrors with his heat vision. When Lana is talked by her son into seeing him, the drunken Superman flies away, although visibly shaken by what he has become. He crashes into a junkyard, where he splits into two people… the corrupted jerk with a cape, and the innocent and naïve Clark Kent. Only one of them can win out.

Sadly, this movie is a super-disappointment. For starters, it focuses heavily on Richard Pryor’s comedic skills rather than on any kind of actual storyline. Let’s have Gorman show up in the middle of corn country just so he can hack into a secret government weather satellite which can actually CHANGE THE WEATHER! Let’s have Gorman pretend to be a general so he can hand Superman a paperweight that looks just like kryptonite! Let’s have Gorman slide off an artificial ski slope and off the side of a building so he can be rescued by Superman!

The cheese factor is pretty high as well. Turning a tornado upside-down in and of itself will do that. And then there’s the “super-split” trick and blowing oil out of the ocean and INTO a tanker, and then welding the hull closed without igniting the oil. Then we have the whole “MX” missile scene which literally turns the biggest action scene of the movie into a computer game. No, really, it does; with cheesy coin-op arcade music to boot.

Annette O’Toole’s portrayal of Lana actually makes her more approachable than Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane ever was. She comes off almost as sweet and innocent as Clark pretends to be, even after being divorced from loser Brad. She also manages to conveniently forget that Clark was the “weird-o” water-boy in high school that could outrace a speeding locomotive but doesn’t explain how. It should also be noted that O’Toole would later go on to play Clark’s adopted mother in the TV series “Smallville” where she also reunites with Kidder in one episode.

Then we have Robert Vaughn as the token bad guy of the movie. Once again we have a rich guy that isn’t evil per-se, just amoral and greedy. And also someone who apparently needs to keep himself socially isolated. Big multi-national, multi-conglomerate empire and he only hangs around with his ugly sister and arm-candy. Why does that sound so familiar?

Christopher Reeve again tries to play Superman and Clark Kent as straightforward as possible, but it doesn’t help that the storyline isn’t there. Just like “Superman II” was really about the three Kryptonian criminals, so too is this movie really all about Richard Pryor playing Gus Gorman.

In short, guys, Warner Brothers should have stopped while they were ahead. Unfortunately, they would end up going to the well two more times after this one.

Capes:	The corruption subplot is a nice twist but the lack of an actual bad guy brings this movie down to three capes out of five.
Cheese:	Extra-sharp cheddar (4) brought to you by an evil computer designed by an everyman buffoon.
Books:	Only two books out of a possible five. This isn’t really a movie as it is a comedic vehicle for Richard Pryor.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review - Special Comment (Superman)

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

Special Comment on the Superman Movie Series

I have a confession to make: Superman is my all-time favorite superhero.

Hands-down, no doubt about it, he is the icon that I wish I could be. I wished I could do the things that he could. He could fly, he travels super-fast, he’s super-strong, and nothing except kryptonite could hurt him! Okay there’s also the whole X-ray vision thing too, but that was when I got a little older and I also wanted to see what color Lois Lane’s underwear really was.

That’s why, when I give my reviews of Superman movies, I have this tendency to give him higher marks in the “capes” category, because he will always be the iconic model.

Unfortunately when the Superman movies came out from the late-1970’s through to the late-1980’s, Superman was relegated to being a cartoon joke along with all of the other TV superheroes. Sure he was super-serious in ABC’s Saturday Morning series “Super-Friends”, but he really wasn’t the star of the show. It was about “Wendy, Marvin, and WONDER DOG!” Or it was about “The Wonder Twins AND GLEEK!” Anything to stick in lame-ass bumbling kids and goofy cartoony animals pretending to be heroes. Superheroes of the time followed the lead of the campy 1966 “Batman” movie and TV series. Everything was campy and cheesy and about as serious as a Marx Brothers marathon.

That is why “Superman: The Movie” stood out. It stood out because Warner Brothers and Alexander and Ilya Salikind DID NOT play around with this film. They kept one word in mind through the whole process: EPIC. They wanted this to be one of THE BEST films of all time, and they spared no expense to make it so. They brought in the best actors, some of the biggest names of the time, including Glen Ford and Marlon Brando. They had celebrities like Rex Reed come in as cameos appearances, but they weren’t done for the sake of having them. They cast their lead character appropriately, especially using a relative unknown for the title character. They had a superb original and POWERFUL score by one of the BEST in the business. And they spared no expense for the special effects! They utilized green-screen and wireworks, which at that time were state-of-the-art. Bear in mind this was decades before computer-generated digital effects would be possible, never mind affordable, and certainly not realistic. Their Academy Award for special effects in 1979 was well-earned.

But most importantly, they kept the cheese factor contained. Sure, some of the scenes were done for laughs, but that didn’t mean that the whole film was.

The film’s running line was “You will believe a man can fly” and they made us into believers!

Unfortunately, as with all other things Hollywood, too many people in charge lost track of the little things that made a movie like that into a hit. “Superman II” was marred by a change in directors. “Superman III” was shoved into being a Richard Pryor comedy vehicle. “Supergirl” had a non-existent story. “Superman IV” had bargain-basement executives giving bargain-basement budgets and story. By the time “Superman IV” came out, everyone just wanted the whole thing done and over with, and, yes, that included the actors AND the audience.

And don’t tell me that the magic couldn’t happen again after that first movie; because the Salikinds proved that premise wrong with their “Superboy” TV series. If the suits don’t give a care, then it should be no surprise that their finished product is going to be shoddy.

When talking about the whole Superman series, there are two key questions that need to be asked.

(1) Does “Supergirl” count as part of the series?

(2) Where does “Superman Returns” fit in?

The answer to the first question is simple and to-the-point. YES, “Supergirl” DOES and SHOULD ALWAYS be considered part of the whole “Superman” movie series, no matter how bad it really was and how far it strayed even from film canon. Ilya Salikind had every intention of including “Supergirl” as part of the whole movie cannon, including bringing in Christopher Reeve for a quick cameo as Superman. Since Reeve passed on the idea (remember this came right after “Superman III” flopped), Salikind use a poster of Reeve as Superman and had Marc McClure come in as Jimmy Olson. So that pretty much cements the movie as being part of the whole cannon.

“Superman Returns”, on the other hand, is tricky. This movie operates under the premise that everything after “Superman II” didn’t happen. It takes the best of the first two movies, strips away ALL (or almost all) of the cheese, re-casts EVERYONE, and then makes us forget that we ever heard of Gus Gorman (Superman III), Selene the Witch (Supergirl), or Nuclear Man (Superman IV).

Is it part of the movie canon? No, but it should have been.

“Superman Returns” is how the series SHOULD have progressed if it didn’t take twenty years and a complete cast change. Lex Luthor is out of prison and still fixated on land grabs and on killing Superman by any means possible. He remembers the Fortress, and he knows how to get there. Lois Lane bears the fruit of her little journey from the second movie, even if she doesn’t “remember” how it came about. There is no “god-gaze” superpower where Superman could just stare at something and it gets better. You even get to see bullets bounce off him. He has great powers without the producers relying on that stupid “god-gaze” cheat. All of the things that would have been a great tie-in to the whole story were there.

So now the new challenge for Warner Brothers is to come up with a whole new Superman movie series. And here they are running into the same problems as the last film. Shifting directors, shifting directions, and now the executives want to do a complete “reboot” of the whole film canon.

Further complicating things is the fact that Warner Brothers had the “Smallville” TV series running for ten years before FINALLY putting it - and the continual teasing on the audience - to an end. That in and of itself warrants a special comment, but reconciling the Superman lore of the series with any future movie will be a challenge.

However this new “rebooted” series progresses, if at all, credit still needs to be given to the Salikinds for proving over thirty years ago that you could do a big-budget superhero film and have it pay off. They were the ones that set the standard that other superhero series, and indeed other superhero series from other publishers, have tried to keep even to this day. Just remember that when you promise the audience that they will BELIEVE a man can fly… then you better make sure that by the time the end credits roll, that you make believers out of them all.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #22

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#22: Fantastic Four

In the world of comic, the “Fantastic Four” are dubbed “The First Superhero Family”, although in many instances they are the “First Dysfunctional Superhero Family”. Created in 1961 by comic legends Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, the “Fantastic Four” focus on the quartet team of Reed “Mister Fantastic” Richards, Susan “Invisible Girl” Storm, Johnny “Human Torch” Storm, and Ben “The Ever-Loving Blue-Eyed Thing” Grimm. It was the first team series published by Marvel Comics, and it would also be the series that would introduce some of Marvel’s signature villain, including Victor Von Doom (aka “Doctor Doom”) and Galactus. It would also introduce notable cosmic beings The Watcher and Silver Surfer.

The quartet roster would change over the decades as Reed and Susan got married and had children. Temporary members include She-Hulk, Storm (from the X-Men), the Hulk, Spider-Man, Ghost Rider, and Wolverine. This was also a rare superhero team that did not have secret identities, as their lives were as about as public as Hollywood celebrities, and even their Baxter Building stood out in the New York City skyline.

Needless to say, Marvel Comics desperately wanted to do a movie featuring this team, and in the 1980’s they gave the rights to Constatin Film.

Unfortunately those rights were set to expire in 1992 unless filming began before then. Determined to keep the film rights, the studio hired famed B-movie director Roger Corman (of “Battle Beyond the Stars”, “Death Race 2000” and “Galaxy of Terror”) to direct this on the cheap. Production was finished in 1993 and was given an “official” release date for 1994. The cast and crew were all supposedly led to believe that even if the movie would not be released, their work would be used at some point as a pilot for a TV series. The studio then announced that the movie would never be released EVER, all copies were destroyed, any mention of the movie was purged from the books, and all participants were then shipped to undisclosed locations to have their memories wiped by Charles Xavier. (Okay, I’m kidding about the last two parts.)

Bear in mind that the first rule of denying the existence of a movie means that it WILL show up as bootleg releases at comic and fantasy conventions, which is how THIS reviewer knows that the original movie exists!

But with Constatin Film keeping the rights of the film, they were eventually able to raise the money needed to come up with a proper major studio production and release of the “Fantastic Four” movie.

“Fantastic Four” (or “Fantastic 4” as it was alternatively titled) was released by 20^th Century Fox for Constantin Film in 2005, directed by Tim Story. It stars Ioan Gruffuld, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, Chris Evans, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington, and Laurie Holden, with special cameo appearance by Stan Lee.

The film starts with Reed Richards (Gruffuld) and Ben Grimm (Chicklis) arriving at the door of Von Doom Industries to convince Reed’s old MIT classmate Victor Von Doom (McMahon) to finance his experiment. Reed believed that life on Earth came from a wave of cosmic energy that was set to make its return, and he planned on measuring its effects in space. But when NASA said no to the idea, Reed turned to Victor for help. Victor agrees to the project, provided he goes up to the station with them along with his girlfriend, Dr. Susan Storm (Alba), and her brother, thrill-seeking pilot Johnny (Evans). Reed looks forward to working with Susan again, although Ben objects both to Victor’s presence and to Johnny piloting the shuttle.

In the private space station, Reed discovers that the cosmic wave would reach them sooner than earlier predicted, and it sweeps the station before they could retreat to join Victor in the safety of the shielded sections. They find themselves back on Earth in quarantine, unsure of what the cosmic radiation would do to them.

Sure enough, they each discover the radiation had changed their bodies. Johnny found out his body could generate heat and fire without burning him. Susan’s body could turn invisible and project invisible waves outward. Reed could stretch any part of his body to seemingly infinite lengths. Ben, however, suffers the worst of the changes as he becomes a rock-skinned creature with a deep gravely voice. His changes are so dramatic that his fiancée Debbie (Holden) wants nothing to do with him. Depressed, Ben finds himself on the Brooklyn Bridge and inadvertently causes a scene which has the police and fire department rushing over. When a traffic accident knocks a responding ladder truck over the bridge, the others quickly move to contain the damage and save lives, with their actions being broadcast on TV around the world. The media dubs them the “Fantastic Four”, and Reed takes control of the team and announces they would retreat to the Baxter Building for further study. The change of scenery allow Reed and Susan to get closer, and Ben even ends up with a new girlfriend, in the form of blind artist Alicia Masters (Washington).

The news of the “Fantastic Four” along with the disaster of the space station bankrupts Doom’s business and his investors quickly abandon him. But Doom was also changed from the cosmic wave, and soon he develops electro-magnetic powers as well as taking on a metallic appearance. Reaching for a metallic mask that was once a gift, Doom vows revenge on Reed Richards and his new “family”.

I’m going to leave the rest for you to discover, but sufficient to say the rest of the film does both the characters and their creators justice.

The movie is a welcomed break from the original comic origins, which involved the Mole Man and one of his giant creatures. It provides an easier explanation for their powers, as well as the “unstable molecules” idea that would become key to explain how they could use their powers without ending up naked (something that Alba’s Susan Storm found out the hard way on more than one occasion). I do, however, have to balk at it used to justify Reed’s sudden “touch of grey”.

The casting was top-notch, especially with Chicklis and Evans. Chicklis lived up to the character both as Ben Grimm and as The Thing. Sadly, McMahon’s character of Doom, although narcissistic and sociopathic in nature, was a little wooden… or, in this case, mechanical. Overall the story jumped a few places, but not in crucial ones. I’m surprised that for someone who couldn’t afford to pay his bills, Reed could somehow get funding for the equipment they used when they moved into the Baxter Building. Where was all this equipment at Von Doom’s undisclosed hospital? Or did they blow the money on restaurant settings, helipads, and hot escorts doubling as nurses?

There are multiple versions of the DVD release, including an expanded version that incorporated some of the deleted or alternate scenes. Get them if you wish, but the movie enough is worth the purchase.

Having seen both this version and the original Corman incarnation, I have to say that the executives at Constatin Film redeemed themselves with this release, although it still does not justify the level of duplicity they used surrounding the 1993 production.

Capes:	The heroic qualities of the film gave it four capes out of five.
Cheese:	Sadly, a lot of sharp cheddar (3) cheese, mostly by Evans’ hammy performance and the montage of Johnny’s various pranks and jokes at the expense of Ben.
Books:	Good story, but lacking in a few areas. It only gets four out of five books.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #8

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#8: Batman Forever

The end of the Batman movie series begins here, with the third in the Tim Burton-imagined tales of the Dark Knight Detective.

“Batman Forever” was released in 1995 by Warner Brothers, directed by Joel Schumacher, and stars Val Kilmer, Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Nicole Kidman, Chris O’Donnell, Drew Barrymore, Debi Mazar, Michael Gough, and Pat Hingle. Special guest appearances were also made by Elizabeth Sanders (wife of Batman creator Bob Kane), Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Ed Begley Jr., and Rene Auberjonois. The movie is available on DVD either alone or in a box set, and it appears on occasion on cable channels such as TBS.

After the release of “Batman Returns”, too many people complained about the “dark overtones” of Batman. So the studio forced some serious changes. Gone was the slightly-surreal feel of Tim Burton’s Gotham. Instead we have a Metropolis-style mega-city with sharp neon colors. Also gone was Tim Burton in the director’s chair. He was forced to turn the reins over to Schumacher, although he did keep the title of producer. Michael Keaton also rightly abandoned the franchise, especially since it was his portrayal of the brooding and dangerous vigilante that served as the chief source of complaints from parents groups. He passed the cowl over to Val Kilmer.

The movie starts with Batman (Kilmer) being summoned to a crime scene full of police and crowds. He makes a very dramatic entrance, much to the delight of Commissioner Gordon (Hingle) and Doctor Chase Meridian (Kidman). They tell him that Harvey Two-Face (Jones) has taken a bank guard hostage on the second anniversary of his scarring. Batman takes the elevator (no, really) up to the middle of the bank building, where Two-Face and his goons are waiting for him. We are given a few seconds of confusing and chaotic fighting before Batman goes into the vault and is trapped with the guard. Two-Face then appears with a helicopter to haul the vault into the sky as it starts spewing “boiling acid”. Batman escapes the vault, and in a feat of absolute unrealism, manages to return the vault BACK to its original place in the bank building before climbing up the chain to the helicopter. Two-Face escapes, but not before he flies the helicopter into a statue of Lady Gotham. (Gotham’s version of the Statue of Liberty, complete with a green copper skin.)

The next day, Bruce Wayne visits one of his Wayne Enterprises labs, where he encounters Edward Nygma (Carrey). Nygma tells Wayne he has a special device that allows people to beam television signals right in the brains of viewers. Wayne rejects the notion, saying that the idea of tapping into one’s mind to affect it raises too many ethical questions. Nygma vows to prove Wayne wrong. Later that night, he ties up his supervisor (Begley) and turns on the device, which then magnifies Nygma’s mind exponentially. When threatened with being arrested, Nygma then kills his boss and fakes the footage on the surveillance camera to appear that the man committed suicide. He then resigns from the company.

Meanwhile, Wayne is getting mixed signals from Meridian. As Batman, he is summoned by the Bat Signal by Meridian so she could use her knowledge of Two-Face’s coin fixation as a way to seduce Batman. Once he starts getting strange messages, he is referred to Meridian, and asks her to accompany him to the Gotham Charity Circus, but it’s clear that she’s still fixated on Batman, even though she doesn’t know his secret.

At the circus, we are witnessed to a spectacular trapeze display by the Flying Graysons. Immediately following, though, the circus is taken over by Two-Face and his henchmen, all while televised and watched intensely by Nygma. Two-Face strings up 200 sticks of T-and-T to a rope and gives Batman two minutes to reveal himself. Wayne tries to shout out that he’s the Batman, but he’s drowned out by the noise, so he tries a more direct approach. The Grayson family try to reach the bomb, but Two-Face shoots out the ropes, killing everyone except young Dick Grayson (O’Donnell), who does get the bomb away from the building and into the water before it explodes.

Wayne takes Grayson into his manor, but Grayson clearly has revenge on his mind. As the young man gets settled in, he reveals to Alfred (Gough) his fascination with birds, and how he once “swung in like a robin” to save the day.

Inspired by the circus antics, Nygma decides to dress up in a green bodysuit and call himself “The Riddler”. He convinces Two-Face and his henchwomen Sugar (Barrymore) and Spice (Mazar) that they need him by getting him hooked on his “Brain Box”. While getting a crash-course in criminal actions from Two-Face as Riddler, he’s using the money to build his own business and sell “Brain Boxes” all over the city.

Meanwhile, Grayson discovers that Wayne is Batman and steals the Batmobile for a little joyride into the city. He insists that Batman train him and make him his partner so he could kill Two-Face, but Batman refuses, saying that killing Two-Face will not make the pain go away.

As the movie progresses, secrets are discovered, as Wayne learns more about the event that turned him into Batman, Meridian learns who she really is falling in love with, Grayson learns what it’s like to be a hero, and our villains discover that there IS such a thing as “too much”, especially when it comes to certain accessories. (I’d say more but that would be spoiling what’s left of the movie.)

Let’s just go ahead and admit it… this movie REEKS of cheese! The idea that Jim Carrey’s Riddler should be over-the-top, much like Jack Nickolson’s Joker and Danny DeVito’s Penguin were before him, was understandable given the circumstances of the story and the actor’s skills. But Tommy Lee Jones playing Harvey Two-Face over-the-top was WAY too much into camp. The people behind the film also took great pains to avoid calling him Harvey DENT, because that character was originally played by Billy Dee Williams in the first movie.

Let’s see… what else? How about NIPPLES on the batsuits? How about having Robin actually saying “Holy Rusted Metal, Batman!” and finding a lame way to make it fit into the story? How about a Bat-Jet carrying scuba gear, but not the Bat-Boat? How about the Batman making a very public appearance instead of lurking in the shadows? The safe-jacking was lame, faking the surveillance tapes was lame, the “two-hundred sticks of T-and-T” in a giant round ball was lame, driving the Batmobile like a low-rider pimpmobile was lame…

And did I forget to mention the NIPPLES ON THE BATSUITS?

There were two stories in that unforgivable mess of commercialized cheese. The first one was the story of Dick Grayson becoming Robin. The second was of Edward Nygma’s obsession to finally be a winner. Sadly, Nygma’s story got lost in the neon lights, but at least the story of Robin followed through. That was the only thing that saved the film from being a complete disaster. That dishonor, of course, would be saved for the next film.

Capes:	Three capes out of five. Easily recognized characters, both good guys and bad guys, but real heroes don’t have fake nipples on their outfits.
Cheese:	Extra Sharp Bat-Cheddar (4) with fake nipples included.
Books:	Two books out of five. There were some good story elements, but most of the movie was pretty much fodder for overhyped music videos by Seal and U2.

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review #23

Paragon Pundit Hero Movie Review

#23: The Punisher (1989 film)

Between box office wins such as “Spider-Man”, “X-Men”, “Fantastic Four”, and “Iron Man”, it’s hard to imagine that the Might Marvel Comics could EVER do wrong. And yet the biggest example of that fail rested with five words…

“Dolph Lundgren is THE PUNISHER!”

Okay, I’m sure you’re scratching your head over this and wondering what the heck the Pundit is talking about, right?

Well, the film that you probably know as “The Punisher”, be it the 2004 incarnation featuring Thomas Jane or the 2008 “War Zone” movie featuring Ray Stevenson (both films on the “To Review” list), is actually the second and third attempt at telling the story of the gritty skull-bearing Marvel vigilante.

The first incarnation, however, was abysmal, and you can understand why people would not want to remember that it was even made.

This “Punisher” was released in 1989 by New World Pictures, and it starred Dolph Lundgren, Oscar-winner Louis Gossett Jr., Kim Miyori, Jeroen Krabbe, Nancy Everhard, and Barry Otto. It was directed by Mark Goldblatt. It was never released in US theaters, appearing only in West Germany in 1989 and then released on VHS in 1991. The reasons behind the non-release were less on the film quality and more to do with New World Pictures suffering from financial problems.

This was back in the day when Dolph was the hottest actor in the market, or at least the hungriest, and he was signing his name onto as many roles as he could play after “Rocky IV” came out. He had teamed up with Brandon Lee (son of Bruce Lee) for one movie, became “He-Man” in the “Masters of the Universe”, and served as the foil for Jean-Claude Van Damme in “Universal Soldier”. Basically if you had film that featured a side of beef, that side of beef would answer to the name of Dolph Lundgren. But I digress…

The film starts with a gritty title sequence featuring sill images travelling through a dark service tunnel and Dolph shooting them with his M-60. Then we see a news report of a mob leader being acquitted from the murder of Frank Castle and family. Strangely, the picture of Frank looks nothing like Dolph. Then we see a cocky mob leader boasting his innocence and promising that “The Punisher” would not get near him. As the mob boss drives away, we see a leather-bound boot with a skull-head dagger strapped to it. The boot starts up a motorcycle and follows the limo. “The Boot” follows the mob boss home and proceeds to pick off the players one by one in serial-killer fashion. As the nearby media react to the sounds of gunshots, the house explodes, and we see the shadowy figure of “The Punisher” (Lundgren) hiding in the flames before the rest of the explosions destroy the whole house.

We then hear Punisher begging God to know why he survived when his family didn’t as we see views of that same service tunnel before finishing with a shot of Punisher’s naked backside, then a flashback of the death of his wife and kids.

The scene shifts back to the remains of the destroyed mansion as Lt. Jake Berkowitz (Gossett) shoos away a nagging reporter, and then is told from his superiors that “Frank Castle is dead” and to back off. Berkowitz refuses to back off, though. He is joined by Detective Sam Leary (Everhard), who is told in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t want a partner but changes his mind when she says that she also believes that Frank Castle is not dead.

The media then chase around Gianni Franco (Krabbe), who was the last of the mob bosses and had returned to the United States only to be welcomed by Berkowitz, saying he needed “more bait” to catch the Punisher. Joined by his son, Gianni is quick to take over the mob operation. A ragged drunk (Otto) and bad actor called “Shakes” asks a patron for some financial help before being thrown out of the bar and lured by a moving bottle of booze to divulge what he knows of a drug shipment to the Punisher.

At the nearby drug import, the mob operatives are silently picked off by a gang of ninjas before the Punisher could arrive. He fights off both gang members, but not before being knocked off the pier by a knife-throwing girl. Later Berkowitz sees the Punisher knife in one of the drivers.

Franco briefs his men on the woman behind the attack. It turns out they all work for Lady Tanaka (Miyori) of the Yakuza, and the mute knife-throwing girl is her protégée. Tanaka then arrives at the meeting and tells Franco that they are taking over the family’s operation, which Franco vows will not happen. We also discover that the entire conversation being overheard by Punisher.

At the police office, Leary shows Berkowitz how her computer would predict Punisher’s next location. She says that the Punisher is actually living under the city.

As the Punisher rides about underground, the children of the mob bosses are being kidnapped by the Yakuza. Shake begs Punisher to step in - in bad rhyming form no less - but Punisher seemingly brushes it all off, convinced that the mob bosses consider him “dead” and that he is no longer a threat.

At the Yakuza headquarters, Lady Tanaka plans on selling the kids to the slave market. The kids all know that something is wrong, but Gianni’s son refuses to believe that his father is a bad guy, much less the leader of the whole mafia. (Hey kid, you’re in good company on that part!) When Tanaka tells the kids that they will soon be “taken home”, little Tommy fights back and is taken away.

At a (poorly constructed) Yakuza nightclub (and amateur circus?), the Punisher attacks, tearing up the bar and threatening to continue destroying their businesses for every day that the children are missing. Berokowitz and Leary realize that Punisher is behind this attack. They also find out that the mob children are missing, which Leary says would be something Punisher would do, but Berkowitz says that Punisher couldn’t have kidnapped children and shows her a picture of Castle’s two children as proof.

Shakes shows Punisher that the kids are being held at an abandoned amusement park. He discovers, though, that the Yakuza are waiting for him. They overpower him and Tanaka’s protégé knocks him out. Punisher then is tortured by Tanaka, but that gets nowhere. She then orders that Shakes be tortured, but Punisher doesn’t care either. She leaves frustrated, with him grunting “Have a nice day”, and he then quickly works his way out of his restraints to escape along with his drunken stooge.

Leary and Berkowitz start looking in the sewer tunnels for Punisher’s lair and he tells her how he met Frank Castle and got his life straightened out. Meanwhile, the mob underlings (minus Franco) meet with Tanaka, only to discover that they were poisoned before she arrived and are quickly killed.

The Punisher steals a city bus to rescue the kids, which he does for everyone except for Tommy. This leads to a little bus chase until they run into a police roadblock. (HOW this could be set up at such short notice is anyone’s guess since the police still think that Frank Castle is dead.) Punisher surrenders to the police and lets the kids go. Berkowitz confronts Punisher in jail, but Punisher continues to say that Frank is dead and the guilty are dead and that 125 murders is “a work in progress”.

Franco breaks the Punisher out while being transported to his court arraignment and offers his help to rescue Tommy in exchange for Berkowitz, whom he had also kidnapped. Berkowitz eventually manages to free himself as Punisher and Franco make their way up the various levels of Yakuza soldiers like a poorly-done video game. Punisher takes on the protégée while Tanaka humiliates Franco in front of his son before being killed by the Punisher. With Tommy safe, Franco then tries to kill the Punisher, but is stopped by his son. This gives Punisher the chance to kill Franco in the ensuing struggle. Tommy wants to kill Punisher, but he doesn’t have the heart to do it. Punisher warns Tommy to not follow in his father’s path or else “he’ll be waiting”. Punisher vanishes as Berkowitz shows up, and we end with the Punisher’s monologue about “The guilty will be punished” and showing his naked backside yet again before going to credits.

There. I just saved you a dollar in the bargain basement bin.

I find it hard to even call this a “Punisher” movie. Lundgren’s character may be named Frank Castle, but there was nothing about him that WAS “Punisher”. He didn’t wear the skull-head shirt, and he looked and acted more like a zombie Terminator than as a war veteran. This probably should have been called “Cops and Mobsters” as this was more of a cop movie than it was a movie based on a Marvel Comics character.

Gossett’s character was probably the only thing that really carried the whole movie. It certainly wasn’t “Castle” or “Punisher” or “Mister P” (as “Shakes” referred to him as). And the gratuitous butt shots should have been eliminated, especially since the butt shots were all from the Punisher and followed nihilistic messages. Here’s a word to the wise: nihilism and gratuitous nudity do not mix! The other characters were either forgettable, or, in the case of the rhyming “Shakes”, characters you WANT to forget.

In all, folks, if you see this movie at your local discount video store, save your pocket change unless you’re a serious Louis Gossett Jr. fan. Thankfully Marvel does a whole lot better with this character the next time around.

Capes:	Zero capes out of five. This wasn’t a Marvel Comics story. This was a renegade cop flick using the name “Frank Castle”.
Cheese:	Between the stereotypical characterization of the villains, the amusement park ninja fight, and the cheesy comeback lines, this ended up with some Mild Cheddar (2).
Books:	Three books out of five, running on par with some of the other “renegade cop” films of the time.